How You Were Born
by FyrByrd
Summary: YO. Forgive any mistakes. These series of stories are some ideas that i'd like to get off my chest or my take on stories i have read. These stories might feature FemNaru, Insane peoples, and general oddness, with a few serious one shots posted here and there. Reviews and other such contributions will be much appreciated. Positive criticism is also appreciated as i am new here.
1. Chapter 1

YO MINNA-SAN!

First fan-fic, would have been posted sooner, but someone's laptop decided to give me the finger. **NOTE**; This fanfic is not actually mine, but a cut-out from another author's work; SORRY DUDE, can't remember the fic or name, but appologies for no PM.

Now that that's overwith, ONWARD MY PEOPLE, COME TO THE GLORIOUS LAND OF THIS FIC

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><p>The village of Konoha was aloft with life: birds were chirping, bees were buzzing, and kids were giggling with joy. The sun shimmered in the cloudless sky, as if to highlight the joy the townsfolk were basking in and all was right with the world. It was clear everybody was enjoying the splendid afternoon.<p>

Minato Namikaze was not one of those people.

Garbed in a simple t-shirt and pants, he sat alone on a bench in Konoha's park, a figurative cloud of gloom swirling over his sunken head and shoulders, warding off any by-passers that dared approach him.

"Oh my god..." The man whispered, shaking his head.

"I'm so hopeless." It was as if his entire world had been crushed, shredded, and

burned and Shinigami-sama decided to piss fire and brimstone on his already all-time-low self esteem, just for shits and giggles. There was no hope, no act that could alleviate his sense of doom. He doubted anybody could undo what he just did.

As if an answer to his almighty gloom, a phenomenal figure appeared. One so unbelievably manly and suave that whenever he approached, women's nether regions would burn in an explosion of passion and lust! He was a man's man, a role model to all, a true genius among geniuses!

Immediately, in a poof of smoke he had appeared, his masculinity stunning all, his white mane radiating with the sheer gusto of a thousand roaring lions, his sheer presence blowing the minds of all those around him, (even as they were used to Maito Gai's... youthfulness causing their jaws to drop and their eyes to bulge.

"Mommy! Mommy! It's the weird man who stole your clothes!"

"Yeah, mom, he's also the one i saw sneaking away with aunty's undies"

"Just ignore him dear! Maybe he'll go away." said an utterly stunning beauty as she ran off with her son and daughter, death glaring Jiraiya, as one would look at sentient garbage. That being said... some people's minds were blown in different ways.

"Yo kid! You called?" spoke the gallant Jiraiya of the Sannin. The man had long, spiky white hair, was wearing one of the most ridiculous outfits one had ever seen, and had the most unbearably smug smile on his face.

"Yeah..." Minato replied dully, not evenn looking up to acknowledge his teacher.

In response, the white-haired man blinked, opting to take a seat next to his student.

"So why'd you call?" The man said jubilantly, his happiness unabated by his student's despair.

"Me and Kushina-chan... we tried going to third base..." His blush was so intense that Jiraiya

could have sworn the blonde should have swelled up from the overflow of blood.

"Oooooh~" Jiraiya grinned. "I remembered my first time..."

Minato looked to his sensei as one would a tower of blazing hope had been erected to cast away his mid-numbing despair!

"I was 16 and she was 50..."

And that same tower was promptly and properly smashed with a certain giant toad. The sheer amount of wrong in that sentence was immeasurable. It was indescribable. In fact it deserved an entire freaking new word.

It was... it was... **WRONGNIFICOCIOUS!**

Needless to say, he stuck to inventing jutsu.

"Oh god..." Minato suddenly turned green. He felt bile rise up in his throat.

"You may puke now kid, but they're all the same down there." Jiraiya whispered with a glimmer in his eye.

"Oh dear god!" The blonde ran to cluster of nearby bushes, the sound of gagging filling up the park. After a few moments the blonde returned, deathly pale.

"Don't... don't ever do that again." He exasperated, sitting down.

The Sannin gave a hearty laugh, before directing an inquisitive look at the boy.

"So what happened exactly to make you call me?"

Minato quirked his head, giving an inquisitive look.

"Huh?"

"You know..." Jiraiya tried to look for the right words. "Bow-chika-wow-wow~..."

Minato face had returned to a different brilliant shade of red.

"Umhmg mmfg..."

He just remained quiet. The situation was the most embarrassing in his life. He didn't think he could ever live down something so... so shameful! It caused him to retreat into himself, the cloud of doom and agony growing larger by the second.

The Sannin frowned as his prized student retreated into himself. Trying to reassure him, he laughed and patted him on the back.

"Say it like a man kid!"

Minato shook his head feverishly. "I... I can't..." Now that the thought lingered, what he did was just too embarrassing.

Jiraiya had an evil gleam in his eyes. "Ooh, let me guess then."

At that response Minato brought his head up, waving his arms frantically in sheer terror.

"No, no! Don't guess, please for the love of amaterasu,don't guess!"

The horrors that unleashed from that man's mouth was something no person should ever suffer.

"Then...?" Jiraiya drawled, that stupid grin of his plastered on his face.

"I... I..." The words wouldn't come out.

"Out with it boy!" The white haired man spat, shaking his student.

Minato suddenly grabbed the man, whispering in his ear. In response, Jiraiya's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. This was something that was confidential between two men. Uttering this would be a disservice to their student-teacher bond.

"YOU JIZZED IN YOUR PANTS!?" Well so much for that bond.

What was left of the park population suddenly left.

"Did you have to scream it!?" Minato shouted, rubbing his ears and trying(failing) to hide his face. What dignity he had had been destroyed. Wait, there was still a little bit left.

"Well I can understand," Jiraiya laughed. "Some men aren't using to having a party in their pants."

Never mind, it was gone now.

Minato crossed his arms. "You're not helping!"

Why did he have to have such a strange teacher? Honestly!

"I mean seriously! Not that I think about Kushina..." Minato did not like where this was going.

"She's beautiful, she's strong and she's got huge..." Jiraiya suddenly had a very lecherous grin, which caused a rush of anger to swell up within his student.

Minato took out a very peculiar kunai.

"Finish that." There was a very dangerous gleam in

his eyes, seen only by his most hated enemies, none of which had survived, 'except that three eyed flaming-...'. He shook his head.

"I dare you." Only a man with magnificent (MAGNIFICENT! ) balls would continue with their thought process.

"Amounts of chakra..." Jiraiya chuckled nervously. Needless to say, he did not have those magnificent ( MAGNIFICENT!) balls.

"…Nice save." The blonde nodded, his rage doused out. However his glare remainedfixated on his sensei, as if he was staring into his soul, but after a few moments of awkward staring the young gave a sigh. "So, any advice?" The blonde was in a pickle to say the least.

"What are you asking?" Jiraiya said as he shook himself off the stare. Minato shook his head. "I'm wondering how I can fix..." he searched for the right word.

"The awkwardness between us." To be honest, 'awkwardness' was an understatement.

"Huh..." Jiraiya stroked his chin, deep in thought. "Well, you can't." Minato suddenly became glum again.

"Oh." The blonde shook his head. "This is going to suck..." "Buuuuut!" Jiraiya began, bringing forth the blonde's attention again. "I can give you some tips to impress her, and stop you from having an..." Jiraiya gave a small laugh at his student's expense. "Erm, 'episode' again."

Minato glared once again. 'Yeah, give it a nickname!'. The conversation from then on became the most awkward sort known to mankind. It involved some of the most interesting secrets known to mankind, so interesting that the future fourth hokage took out a notepad to write it down.

Some were revolutionary.

"So there's a K-spot?" Minato asked in awe and wonderment.

"Yes, above the G-spot." The man finished matter-of-factly. "But the K-spot can only be activated by the most skilled of lovers. It requires dedication, passion, and a flexible tongue."

Jiraiya suddenly shivered as he thought about his snake-like teammate( from when he had been spying on a the mans bedroom on a mission to Oto)

"But on reaching the K-spot, the woman will reach a level of pleasure that surpasses the most extensive of positions! She will worship you! WORSHIP YOU!"

Minato nodded fervently, scribbling it down like a man possessed. Some were factual.

"Also, love making is not so much what you do, it's what you say." Minato looked at his teacher weirdly. "Huh?"

"Woman have been statistically proven to be aroused by emotion. So you have to say something that makes her feel special."

"How do you know if she feels special?"

"Have you ever said something and she gets this glazed look in her eye?"

"Ooh, that's what that was?"

"... wait, what?"

"I just tell her how much I love her every day and she always gets this strange look in her eye and kisses me."

"Wait... so you just tell her the truth?" Jiraiya threw his arms up in astonishment. This was completely revolutionary!

It went against all his ground rules, his traditions, his motto!

"Aren't you supposed to do that?" Jiraiya was too busy scribbling down in his notepad to answer. This would be an excellent idea for his new book!

But as weird as the information was, it had results.

(Sixteen years later)

Kushina stared at her son within the seal. "And that Naruto, is how your father got me pregnant."

"..."The boy just stared. "...I didn't ask."


	2. Chapter 2- Masochism

Untitled

A Naruto Fan fiction by Tobi Be Immolatin'

Synopsis: This gives 'undeniable proof' that most characters in the naruto verse are masochists either by nature, choosing or accidentally e.g Naruto, Sasuke, Haku, Obito, Jiraiya, Tsunade, Kakashi, Kabuto, Madara, Hashirama etc...

Second story, my idea...HA!, i may or may not continue as i am VERY lazy and don't know how to continue this fic, so bear with me.

Review and give me ideas on how to contine this story I don't own Naruto for now I'M COMING FOR YOU !AMABO-  
>MWAHAHAHA<p>

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><p>+-+ 1. Naruto; someone who likes pain +-+<p>

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><p>"Sakura-chan please go out on a date with me, please!".<p>

"Never! Naruto-baka!". Sakura punches him over half the distance to Hokage tower from the main gate. He gets up and dusts himself.

"Haaah, she's so strong and that's why i love her"  
>Looks up, sees Hokage tower looking like a beacon in the late afternoon sun, shining like a bright reddish-orange flaming pillar.<p>

"Hmm, yes, to impress her, i'll become Hokage. SAKURA-CHAN I'LL DO THIS FOR OUR LOVE!".

X

Sees chance to piss of hokage by stealing kinjutsu scroll, takes it. Sees that goes hand in hand with chakra exhaustion; learns it.

X

Sees kunai and shuriken headed towards him; stays still and waits for them to hit his person. Iruka dives and tackles him out of the way.

Sees Fuma shuriken zeroing in on him, waits for it to hit,again. Again, Iruka gets in the way, literally, and says:

"I won't let you get hurt, Naruto" with the determination in his eyes that only a fellow masochist could have.

Sees Tora is having 'that time the month'; hugs her and brings her in for a kiss, 'forgets' she has claws and isn't afraid to use them.

X

Sees Sakura going for a walk, Solution: train monkey to grope her, said monkey goes traitor, but in the end he gets what he came for -a beat down from a P. Sakura.

X

Goes to city own by cats; forgets about the mission goes nude and tries to 'chat up' one of the 'sexy kittens'forgetting that they and every cat is a ninja or yakuza and that they have claws also and that he is nude.

X

Sees poison chains headed towards himself, stands still, gets stabbed and poisoned. Feels poison working in body, knows kyuubi can deal with it, decides to stab himself to get poison out X

Sees Kubikiribocho headed his way, moaning out it's sweet song, promising immense pain and decapitation, sawing through the very air itself; stay still waiting for pain, instead gets dragged down, away from sweet, sweet pain.

X

Sees dozens of senbons aimed at himself, by his self-proclaimed mentor, decides to wait and take his 'punishment' like a man. Sasuke jumps in the way, eyes blazing with masochistic determination:

"Man up, naru-chan, or are you so WEAK" Sasuke declares boldly while reveling in seemingly fatal wounds

X

Sees giant ultra venomous snake, in forest full giant, feral and untamed animals, coming fast towards him with its jaw unhinged to swallow him; tries to give it a 'Hello!' Kiss.

X

Sees orochimaru, runs to give him a handshake while grinning from ear to ear while powered up by kyuubi's chakra; gets punched in the face and gifted with a fuuinjutsu hickey on kyuubi's seal.

X

Sees Neji is stronger than Hinata; tries to indoctrinate her into the wonders of masochism.

X

Volunteers to jump down a cliff with jagged edges to perform the kuchiyose no jutsu, Jiraiya gives him the green light

X

Sees Neji prevented him from winning Hinata over; substitutes with clone and tunnels underground with bare hands to speak to him and by complete miscalculation on his part, gives him an uppercut, decides to give a sappy excuse via moving speech.

X

Sees ichibi rampaging; tries to befriend it by summoning Gamabunta, hengeing him to look like kyuubi to gain its trust while screaming:

"LET US BECOME ONE MY BROTHER SO I CAN ACHIEVE THE ULTIMATE DREAM"

Shukaku refuses, Naruto wakes Gaara up and befriends him so he can get the Ichibi for his 'ultimate dream '  
>Gaara ends up crushing on him, and also trys to get to 'know him better'<p>

X

Challenges sasuke on his manliness, gets into sudden death match on hospital roof involving chidori and rasengan fist fight, get thrown into water tower by kakashi with a strange gleam in his eyes as he watches them sail through the air.

Sakura offhandedly drools over an image of sasuke flying to her rescue from the 'evil overlord' Naruto after chidoriing him to ashes.

X

"Naruto, please bring Sasuke back for me, he's the man of my heart" Sakura cried as she hugged naruto while sobbing.

Naruto zoned out after she hugged him and cried, what he heard was something like:  
>"Naruto... bring ...that ass hole... back, he's the ...manservant".<p>

X

Sees Sasuke charge up a chidori, makes no attempt to stop him, instead, patiently waits for him and sticks his chest out. Sasuke, upon seeing this decides to stop and compliment him; ends up shoving it a few inches away from his heart, through his back.

X

Gets trapped in a berserk Kurama's (1) genjutsu, Solution: jump into lava, or tries to... but gets knocked out of almost-reality-genjutsu.

X

Mission: find Tsunade and convince her to come back and fill the void left by her deceased sensei What-actually-happens: Is stabbed with kunai and nearly dies fighting Orochi & Kabuto; in his opinion, it was worth it 'cause he gets kissed (on the forehead) by Tsunade and gets to peek down her shirt.

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><p>(1) Kurama Yakumo from just before the time skip.<p> 


End file.
